Online Satsang

I discovered Robert’s book a few months ago and then, not long after, your website. Robert’s book has meant so much to me and it was with great joy that I found your website. Thank you! I have loved exploring every part of it -- the memories of Robert, your own journey, your concern about and love of animals (which I share, evidenced by my fur covered furniture!). I have found information in different parts of your website, including the “Stump the Guru” questions and answers, that have been very helpful, which leads me to a question . . . well, at least a sharing.

After years of self-inquiry (which for me has truly been the right path) about a year ago there was a spontaneous opening in which the words “the inside is the outside and the outside is the inside” came through and simultaneously a direct experience of the absence of “me”. The sensation was that the internal space that had previously been occupied with “me” was somehow no longer there; instead there was just “Isness”. The witness was still there observing with great wonder and awe (that sometimes would tip into a feel of hilarity) that somehow everything was all of a sudden different when nothing had changed!

Another part of the shift was that in meditation I kept feeling as if I was about to fall asleep even though I wasn’t sleepy and sleepiness has never been an issue for me in meditation. It was like a brief period of “drifting off”. (I did not know at the time about the importance of the period just before sleep and just after waking up.) This was accompanied by a strong energetic sensation in the body, mostly in the mid back, although sometimes it would spread. As this sensation became more and more part of my experience in meditation, I found that, to some extent, I could make it last a little longer by what I called “falling into it”. It still didn’t last very long but the more I could “fall into it” the more the energy would spread.

At some point (I can’t remember the chronology) the sensation in meditation changed to something that, to myself, I described as the beginning of a sunrise – it was like the sun rising for a brief time only to stop rising. This lasted for months. Then, inexplicably, one day as I sat in meditation for an extended time, the body became more still than it seemed possible – there is no way I could will it to be that still – and there was the usual beginning of the feeling of sunrise but then the sun kept rising! The experience was one of utter stillness and peace. When I opened Robert’s book and read his words

                The mind is stilled
                Silent, at peace
                Movement nil.

What is happening now is an ever deepening fall into silence in meditation and an ever deepening willingness to turn attention to silence when in the world. There has recently been the wonderful discovery that in the world instead of trying to counter any thought deemed “not good” by a thought deemed “good,” it is possible to turn attention to Silence, to the Mystery, to get off the back-and-forth of duality – that any concept is equally flawed – to be free of duality means not following any thought at all. The experience when this happens is like falling completely in love with It All, including my own humanness -- what I have labeled flaws, oddities, inconsistencies included!

There is a feeling of wanting to reach out and connect with you even though, now that all of these words have been expressed, I don’t seem to have a specific question. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I said I was a person (usually!) of few words. I appreciate the opportunity to be in communication with you.

Dear Patricia,

Things are unfolding for you in a perfect way. When the sleepiness comes, don't try to fall into it, you will fall into it all by itself which will allow you to come out on the "other side" as often as you want and often when you are not expecting it. Then not only will there be the knowledge you are not, along with the understanding there is no inside-outside or duality of any sort, you will directly experience no-boundary consciousness, and become the Mind of God.

You need no instruction from me or anyone else. You are doing fine. Go straight ahead.

Robert would have been very happy to know you.

Are you a student, faculty or staff?

Ed

Thanks for your reply. I am on the faculty at XXXXXXXX University. At times my job has felt totally incongruous with following my “spiritual path”. Over the last few years I have felt like the pilot of a small plane watching as the plane loses altitude with the falling off of one part after another. Now, (flying just a few feet above ground!) I have simply let most of the worry go and I am doing what I want to do – be a good teacher – and not doing what, in truth, I simply can’t do anymore, conduct research, write scholarly papers, etc. Until my next review, all is well (smile!). I have a sabbatical coming up in 2007 and want to spend the year at Arunachula. I need to come up with some sort of justification for being there but I am sure some idea will come. After that, I will see what life presents – I cannot imagine that I will be in academia much longer.

I am actually going to Arunachula in Feb. for 3 weeks (my first visit to India). I do not teach then and will use some of the time (although as little as possible) to investigate sabbatical possibilities. The draw to Arunachula is very strong – the iron filing to magnet image is pretty accurate. A few years back, after being introduced to Ramana, I began to pursue self-inquiry. It was the right fit from the start. At some point, I read something that Ramana had said that made it apparent to me that a more pointed effort would be useful so I began to pursue self-inquiry with a new level of intensity. I was sitting in my bedroom one day during this time when, all of a sudden, I saw the emptiness that is what Is. Great terror arose and there was a spontaneous inward calling out to Him for help. He appeared and when I looked into his eyes the terror was instantly replaced by the most indescribable peace imaginable. I was sitting on the edge of my bed and when this occurred there was a feeling as if I was wearing a silk garment next to my skin that slid off of the body and pooled around me. It is hard to know what more to say because words fall so short but I share this event so close to this heart because I know you understand.

Perfect!

I normally counsel people not to go to India because the sight of poverty and death is so striking, and India is only pro forma spitual like Thailand is Buddhist in form only.

But with you it is different. I am happy that the process is unfolding so natually and gently for you. Perhaps some day you will be a great teacher and save many people from suffering.

Say hello to Geneshan when you get there. He is Ramana's nephew and publisher of the Mountain Path.

Ed

You know, this heart does burst with compassion for all beings, including this being, who are trapped in an illusory world in which love exists only because there is an imagined condition of not love. My only wish is to break completely free of the illusion, to become the Mind of God. As Ramana said, “Let whatever is to be, come to be.”

I am in a Department of Human Development which is my training. I must admit, I say this feeling little connection to it at all. My only connection is to my students but that connection has virtually nothing to do with the content of what I teach and everything to do with the opportunity to be in contact with these lovely young beings who, with a little encouragement, are very eager to engage with an adult who is interested in who they are, what they think, what they care about. These conversations quite frequently touch upon the very things you and I have talked about – a kernel is sometimes planted.

I would say that the process has unfolded naturally for me. There is an ever stronger feeling of simply being carried. I am not so sure about the process always being gentle, however. I have felt scoured, scraped, emptied, burning hot, barely able to function . . . but the tastes have been too big to turn from.

There is a question that has been in the background for quite awhile that I would like to put out to you. It has been so persistent that it would be a relief to at least try to find the words to pose it.

One interpretation of the words, "the world does not exist," is that when one sees that the mind can only perceive conditionally – one thing must always be in relation to another – then it can be said that "the world does not exist as we think it exists." Consciousness is only One.

Similarly, the words "there is no birth and there is no death" can be understood to mean that when we are born consciousness animates these forms until these forms no longer contain this animation (death of the form). There is no birth and there is no death because that which has animated the form (consciousness) is unchanged by appearance in any particular form. There is only consciousness, only One.

But if one contemplates how form can arise from emptiness, how visible can arise from invisible, how movement can arise from stillness, the interpretation changes. What appears to be form/visible/movement (all in the play of consciousness) truly does not exist – is only illusion – nothing ever entered anything to create animation. What appears to be form is truly only emptiness – emptiness is all that Is. Words become totally futile – silence is the only possible expression, expressing itself.

# 4. Neither form nor emptiness exist. Both are phenomena. Emptiness, as the absense of form, is still dependent on form as part of a duality.

Emptiness can also be described as phenomena directly. I perceive emptiness and stand in front of it in awe.

Anything in existence is added onto me, I am before all existence, any phenomena, any quality or lack of quality.

That which is before existence can never be known, conceived or have any qualities whatsoever, neither emptiness not lack of emptiness, neither form nor lack of form (common desription of emptiness.)

No, it cannot be known. It is before knowledge. It can never be the object of knowledge or knowing. Knowing is superficial.

You can BE the absolute and from the position of the absolute see that everything, phenomena, emptiness, knowledge is added onto you, has nothing to do with you, and cannot touch you.

With that experience, you can walk away with the knowledge that you are not that, 'that' meaning everything that at any moment you thought yourself to be.

No matter how you try to understand this riddle, you cannot. You need to go beyond it and become the absolute. Then everything is "explained."

Hi Ed,

This is Cedar again…I emailed you last week…. I was hoping to avoid a lengthy email but it seems unavoidable…I come from a family background (3 generations) of incest, violence, neglect, and povery…..so I have had to work hard to not be a totally messed up and a total dysfunctional person(this imaginary me could have lived in a constant nightmare)…when I say messed up I mean living a life that is unnecessarily difficult like being with a man who beats or torments me…and having very distorted views on this relative reality….(when I was 30 years old) I starting having spiritual experiences through my therapist (whom I didn’t know was a transpersonal psychologist)….my cells were melting….I felt myself go into altered states… etc… this lasted for a year of me having all of these experiences that I had no concept for at all… …I had never had any interest in spiritual matters or no prior exposure to anything remotely mystical…anyway in a round about way it led me to a book about Ramana Marashi in a bookstore (I happenstance pick us book up while in a bookstore and instantly knew that he was responsible for all these experiences I had….it turns out that my transpersonal psychologist had visited Ramana’s ashram several times) and another teacher named John DeRuiter in Canada…(have you heard of him???- …I have absolute faith in Ramana but I don’t have absolute faith in John…however I understand John’s teachings)…I loved Ramana but I couldn’t really make any mind sense of his teachings at the time….I have picture of him and I have every book I could find at the bookstore on him, but I couldn’t even begin to do that self-inquiry (it was inscrutable)……so I tried to do what John DeRuiter said to do from his tapes and books and I became very depressed to the point that I was suicidal…at this point, I decided that I was not balanced enough to do deep spiritual practices(when I say deep spiritual practices I mean dismantling the ego and the mind) on my own…. …there are some things that I continued to do on my own such habitually surrendering but I don’t aggressively try to dismantle my ego and mind on my own……the thrust of this email is …after reading and/or listening to Ramana, John DeRuiter, and Nisargadatta I felt that I if I do anything at all that wasn’t actively dismantling the mind/ego or I was cheating and being disobedient…..so for the longest time I just didn’t do anything at all like hatha yoga, meditate or any “lesser practice”…..however, I am a person that is fairly unbalanced from the start and lesser practices make me more balanced…so eventually I decided that it was better to be an unenlightened and calm, peaceful, more open, more compassionate than to be an unenlightened stressed, tensed, angry, withdrawn, short-tempered person(which is how I am if I am not doing one of these “lesser practices”)….. I feel like their teaching is the advanced Calculus class and I am still in the Algebra class ………anyways I do read Nisargadatta, Ramana, and (recently I got Robert’s book) daily…I love reading it but it doesn’t necessarily help me with my tension and stress and unbalanced emotions like the other “lesser practices” do….when I do Hatha yoga I go into meditative states where I feel like a beam of light and I feel peaceful and healed…it is so nice to have a relief from the chaos, turmoil, and anguish my life has entailed… …Ramana advised against hatha yoga so I didn’t do it for years but when I started doing it … …it completely transformed my life from a mess to balance….so anyways I wrote this long irrevelant email because I want to know more about the meditation you call illumination…my yoga teacher does a type of illumination meditation with us in class and I can really feel my body light up…it is so lovely…..if you can tell me more about it and/or where to find out about it please do….I have read your website exhaustively….and I love it …thanks for your time, effort and patience……CEDAR

November 4, 2005

Hi Cedar,

Thanks for the background. It helps me understand you better.

By all means continue to pratice as you are with Hatha Yoga, therapy, etc. You are doing well to be reading Nisargadatta, Robert, etc.

Trust your instincts here.

Opening the Third Eye is described in several places on this site, mostly in the online Satsang section, but also in Practices. Some day I am going to have to make two guided meditation tapes on the Infinite Light of Consciousness, or Opening the Third Eye, and also on the microanalytic analysis of the phenomenal package we falsely believe to be ourselves.

A quick review: Turn your vision inward. It feels like crossing your eyes and looking within the head region. Look for any light. Concentrate on the light as much as you can.

Do not do it while laying down and going to sleep. I did that while laying down for a couple of days, and I could not sleep for a week. Preferrably do it in a good sitting posture. If you do it lying down, it becomes a habit and you remain awake and alert when you want to be sleeping.

As the light becomes steady, it will expand naturally. Gently push it downward through the neck, torso, gut, legs, etc., into the ground. The Kundalini experiences will get stronger at that time. You can go with them, or merely witness the process, and continue stretching the light downward into the ground and upwards above and around the head. The light will also expand outwards.

At some point the light will encompass everything. Then you will know that you illuminate all phenomena. Your inner light, the light of Consciousness, creates the world of physical light and form. When the light of consciousness becomes the primary focus of your attention, while the world and your body/mind are secondary, then you are on the verge of a great enlightenment experience; but still, it is not enlightenment. Even the light of consciousness is not you. You are before and greater than that.

Keep your eyes a little bit open when you meditate, otherwise you will begin to dream and sleep. You want to get under the dreaming deadness and sleep, and restrict sleeping until you lie down. Keep meditation and sleeping separate. At a point they will seem to be identical, but sleep happening in meditation is you getting before and beneath the mind. They are not the same but will feel the same unless you have a specific posture for meditation, such as a yoga posture or sitting upright with back straight.

This is more than enough to know at this point.

Good luck.

PS: If you want to find out someone who articulates this self-discovery of yours, read any of Ken Wilber's early books, such as the Atman Project or No-Boundaries. I talk a bit about this veiwpoint in my section called "Psychoanalysis." However, Ken's understanding is true only if you accept you are human. Ken's knowledge is from human point of view. However, the human point of view is pure fantasy. I am asking finally, as Nisargadatta asks, look at the world--and you--from the viewpoint of the Absolute. Then transpersonal psychology is seen as just another set of concepts, or chattering, within the illusion.

November 4, 2005

"If you do not love animals, you will never go anywhere in spirituality. If you are getting anywhere, you will not eat them. It just works this way. It is a sign of refining consciousness."

You do know, that Nisargadatta used to eat meat, right?

Biont

So? Exceptions do not disprove general rules. Of course, if there are enough exceptions, one might have to revise the theory.

One might also note that Nisargadatta, at least the later one, was not notable for his compassion, as was, for example, Ramana or Robert.

Nisargadatta is wonderful for his razor like logic and powerful style, but he never made the turn into Boddhisatvahood. He remained an Arhat.

In my case, I ate meat sparingly, and with great guilt before my experiences. About a year later I stopped eating meat altogther. With that decision I felt I progressed five times faster. I felt light and existence felt effortless.

NOTICE--December 18, 2005

You noticed there has been no activity on this site as of late. The reason is the the Los Angeles animal welfare community has managed, with great difficulty and with a lot of civil unrest, gotten rid of the wicked witch general manager of Los Angeles Animal Services. The guy wasn't bad, he just did not have any animal experience and the incompetent staff, protected by civil service, got him down. The mayor had animal activists following his events all over the city. In any event, a new guy from NYC is coming in, Ed Boks. He has a good reputation and some success, so we are guardedly optimistic.

In the meantime, I have gotten a lot of letters, some to whom I have been able to respond and others not. I'd rather wait for a break in the crap happening here to do it right and give the writer my full attention.

Some of the letters are fantastic and I can hardly wait to share them.

January 2, 2006

New For January 2006

I have found two sites dedicated to the propagation of the teachings of Ranjit Maharaj and his teacher, who was also Nisargadatta's teacher. These are fantsatic sites. The sadguru.us site has a collection of the most beautiful Bhajans as chanted by his students in an informal setting. The other site is sadguru.com in India. Both have long translations of Satsangs of Ranjit, as well as sell books by Nisargadatta and Ranjit. I cannot recommned any sites of greater value. When I read Ranjit's words, I just swooned in devotion to the long linneages of teachers who gave us this knowledge. Knoweldge and devotion-awe merged. Some of the Bhajans are as moving as the Muktananda CDs that are so hard to find. Besides, these are free to download and were sung in the presence of the Guru.

----------------------------------------

Robert only started teaching when he could no longer work because of Parkinson's Disease. I had always thought it would be this way with me also. At some point, I would not be able to work and would be forced to make my life's passion, namely grasping the ultimate knowledge, the teachings of Advaita and Zen, my source of worldly support. The world would kick me out, so to speak. In fact, the process of constructing this site has kindled in me the desire to once again leave the world totally behind and absorb myself in teaching as I did as a Buddhist monk in the 1970s and later as a teacher at various University of California extensions and at the College of Buddhist Studies.

My line of work within the Grand Illusion is editing psychiatric evaluations, reviewing medical records to better understand a medical case, as well as rebutting reports written by defense psychiatrists. It can be a lot of fun, but requires a LOT of thinking and time wasted in words. Recent "reforms" in workers' comp are changing the face of forensic psychology in California, effectively destroying the safety net that Workers Compensation has provided injured workers since 1913. Basically, the insurance companies are not paying claims, meaning doctors do not make money, meaning they don't need my services, meaning I need to do something else.

One of the reasons I have not taught before now is that making a living doing what I do is fantastically easy. Working 15 hours a week provides all the money I need.

Secondly, I just didn't feel like doing it. I have started Satsangs in the past, but it is extremely difficult to find students that want to hear true Advaita, let alone understand it. Then too, those who seek ultimate knowledge tend not to have a devotional bone in their bodies. Very few like chanting. Satsang without chanting is like a classroom. There is no spiritual energy, no love. I hate it.

Many years ago, as I write elsewhere on this site, I was named the First American International Teacher of Chogya Zen. Quite an honor. I spent several weeks visiting masters and temples. But when I returned to the US, I found the actual, day-to-day process of "building a practice" at a large Los Angeles Korean Buddhist temple was all too much marketing within a cultural setting. I just could not do it. The cultural Zen elements buried the clear teachings and teaching became pandering. Therefore, teaching did not happen then.

Robert is among the greatest I have ever known, and he never had more than 35-40 people coming to Satsang at a time. He never made more than $1,100--$1,200 a month from Satsang. Running a Satsang is exhausting. Meeting two or three times a week, preparing talks, as did he, and going to lunch and seeing all his students when they needed help, being on the phone with students all over the world, is exhausting. Robert didn't really like doing it. He shrank from it. I feel the same way. I don't like being in the spotlight of attention. I am really quite shy. Also, the pay is bad.

Therefore, I am going to change the face of this site, keeping a lot of the personal elements that led me to build it, but to place more emphasis on teaching meditation, chanting and other methods, as well as finding the highest quality texts, music and meditation aids so that I can become yet another spiritual shopkeeper: another Americanized Deepok Chopra. Maybe I will see aromatic holy sand from the sacred beaches of Santa Monica.

People tend to want objects more than knowledge, and knowledge more than realization. Therefore, all of my pandering will be to objects-people, and I can then spend my time teaching those with a strong desire to know the Absolute and who have the blessing of spirtual advancement to take the teachings.

Whether to take the next step of starting a local Satsang, that is a different matter. I don't know.

Keep those cards and letters poring in.

Late December to January 6--letters from Frank

Dear Ed,

Thank you for a wonderful site. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I sent that off last night and have only just taken the time to fully explore your site, and felt completely overwhelmed with tears. I was especially moved by the stories on your site and especially your compassionate and helpful responses.

This response is a personal story, but a bit long so if you do not respond or read this I do not mind.

I had only vaguely heard of Robert Adams before I came across your site. The only other teacher I have read to talk a bout the total non-existence of everything is Stephen Jourdain in his book Radical Awakening.

I find I am at a peculiar place in this life

My early background was in science before I did medicine. I took up psychiatry but took an instant distaste to it though I still persevered in it for four years. Finally I found psychotherapy more to my liking. However the mind/body dilemma was the centre of my intellectual focus. Finally I found someone an ex MIT professor of neurobiology by the name of Humberto Maturana whose explanation I found acceptable. It is not a common understanding it goes by the name of Autopoiesis Theory or the Biology of Cognition. Love is one of the central concepts. For some years I followed him around the world going to his lectures and tutorials. One of the key sayings or aphorisms is “The World, Language, and the Observer arise simultaneously and together.” After years of gruelling intellectual effort I got it, intellectually that is, enough to explain it and give talks on it.

Then one day I was in a bookshop casually flicking through book picked up at random called “I Am That” by Nisargadatta Maharaj. I found almost the exact same statement. I was aghast when I found out that he came from a peasant background with no formal schooling. Most of that he wrote in the book was so clear even though I couldn’t understand much of it.

That was the beginning of my search, entailing as it did trips to India reading avidly about everything spiritual and Advaita and following Andrew Cohen around the place for a few years. In the end I found this dissatisfying because he seemed to be so preoccupied with himself.

I was at a loose end after that until the beginning of 2002 when I came across a teacher on the net who ran an internet chat group. They held gatherings once a year to meet together. He was so like me in but he knew more than I did, and spoke of love in a way I had never heard before. Three months later my dear son, whom I loved more than anyone else died tragically in London. I felt as if someone had picked me up bodily and thrown me into the void. I disappeared completely for a while and was looked after totally at the gathering by a group of people (hitherto strangers) who showed me such love and compassion that I had never before known. I found that Love and Grief are two sides of the same coin and learned the enormous gulf that yawns between intellectual understanding and the living of life itself.

After a trip to Aranachula last year the group broke up, riven with internal conflicts, although I am still occasionally in touch with the teacher. I found that meditation happened to me, I did not have to do it.

I can sometimes see for miles with my patients as if looking our over the whole of humanities pain feeling everything so deeply yet loving it so much but not being in it, removed from it.

Another thing has happened beyond me to fathom. I have had a female friend for years. We have always gotten on so well no problems at all. She is very quiet and lives a quiet life just an ordinary sort of person.

Over the last few months when I look at her and she looks back I feel myself disappearing, and I have to look away. She just smiles and keeps on looking at me. She says that she has noticed this too and thought we should just let it happen and not do anything about it.

I also found she has always had an interest in spirituality.

She says she has always so much love in her life.

I have no formal practices except for daily walks in the park.

I’ll get Roberts book.

Many thanks Ed.

Frank

Thank you Frank for taking the time to write.

It is clear that not only are you a great Bhakta, but also have strong Jnana, a very good yet difficult balance.

Hopefully you will be rewarded with a great enlightenment.

You practice appears to have taken on a life of its own. If you still need a teacher, he or she will come.

Regarding Language, the World and Observer, it is not as simple as simultaneous arising. Please read Nisargadatta's Prior to Consciousness; it is much deeper than I Am That.

Also, you will want to get hold of "Amrut Laya" by Nisargadatta's Dharma brother, Ranjit Maharaj. Ranjit is more traditional and not as incisive as Maharaj, but delves deeper into the theory.

Regarding the melting, it is a good bi-product of Bhakti and may lead to a more general merger with the entirety of your phenomenal universe; but despite its power, do not pay much attention, as it is still an external phenomenon and a distraction.

We both are alike in the sense of being psychologists, but I had to give it up because it only deals with the personal for most people, and only 1 out of 20 or so want to go deeper. It is hard to remain on the surface of language and image with non-deeply-spiritual people.

You may want better to associate with more spiritual people and provide psychotherapy with them and help them go deeper than the personal--if you are not doing so already.

Please continue writing.

Dear Ed,

This melting thing is so astonishing. This distraction is so apparent especially when my friend is such an attractive woman as well.

So easy to get distracted. I never knew she knew about this but she does. She just smiles.

But Ed, my family think I am going off my tree! And they are jealous.

I see love everywhere. Had this peculiar experience when I went to a restaurant with some friends and fell hopelessly in love with everyone there. Could see everything they were up to and just loved them. Man this is not just mental. I was turned on!

Nuthin to be done I spose?

I never ever thought that all the sage's poems and raptures were ever anything but allegorical and metaphorical.

Boy did I miss the boat there!

Thank God there is someone else there who knows about this stuff. Otherwise I would be totally lost

Probably am already anyway.

Love to you

Dear man.

Frank

This unity energy has grasped you strongly. You have no choice but to go with it and see where it takes you, distraction or not. The ecstasy of human love only last a few month to a couple of years. You will have changed and when you restart your practice you will be more mature and focused.

I am no one to give advice in this area as I was very frequently distracted in this way. It is hard to differentiate between sexual love and divine. In fact, both are illusion, but a fragrant one.

Dear Ed,

All along I had thought that the world of concepts an abstractions in which we think and live, was maya, leela.

And that being present to life as it happens was all there is and was the original state itself.

Just realised that that too, is leela.

Nowhere else to go now.

Frank

The Original State also does not exist.

Nothing exists, not even nothingness or the absence of nothingness.

Ed,

Guess I'll get back to chopping water and carrying wood.

Dear Ed,

Just want to say some things to you dear man.

But for the life of me I have no idea what to say.

Except undying gratitude.

Frank

Thanks Frank, you are very gracious. Please just continue to chop water.

No kidding. Keep me informed of what is going on.

Dear Ed

Just want to say some things to you dear man.

Oh Ed Man oh Man!

It is 3:00 a.m. here.

I was listening to a mantra and suddenly I seem to have been torn apart by such convulsions of rapture I seem to can hardly stand it.

My glasses have fogged up.

Man

Do you hear this?

That is all I want

To hear

So close, we are

Love Frank

Magnificent Frank!!

You have realized the bliss of chanting!!

This is truly the Ananda and love you have sought, in its strongest and most potent form. Go with it where it takes you. This is just the beginning. There are many, many experiences yet to come!!!

The following is from an Un-fan Zen student:

david876123 <david876123@btinternet.com> wrote:

Ed, i wonder if i could BEG you to stop writing about some zen masters the way you do. I'm thinking particularly about master maezumi and master seung sahn. I'm sure it's not intentional.........forgive me, but i feel you slander them dreadfully. You seem to hold up your opinions as 'truth'. But can a mind mired in dualistic notions judge one that is not?

Please consider again the wisdom of master seung sahn when he told you you think far too much.

Gassho

david

I do not know what slander you talk about, nor would I be convinced to do anything from a "begging" letter that attacks me. My opinions and experiences of Seung Sahn are my own. He is a great teacher, just not mine.

If you have a different version of "truth" about either men, tell me about it. Tell me fact, not your opinion, which, it appears, you believe is not opinion, but truth.

Ed

Dear ed

I believe the point i made was obvious. I was inviting you to consider the foolishness of allowing your mind, which your own words show is mired in dualistic notions, commenting, in public, about the merits and demerits of true zen masters, whose words show that they are not constrained as you clearly are. I believe that your actions could influence people away from true teaching.

To me, this seems like the behaviour of one who wishes to set himself up as an authority and thinks that denigrating real teachers is a way to gain credibility. I find this truly lamentable.

Gassho

david

Hi David,

You do yourself a disfavor by idealizing “real masters.” Even the greatest of them is no greater than you. They are nothing but your creation.

You also do yourself a disfavor to think that finding Seung Sahn or Maezumi to be human is denigration or slander.

Dear Ed,

In my earlier correspondence i merely pointed out the rather uncontroversial understanding (in zen terms anyway) that i don't believe a lesser consciousness can judge a higher. That is what you were doing..........your own words attest to the veracity of what i say! Now, if you want to quote the heart sutra to me, go ahead, as long as you know that you didn't embody it when you were evaluating ( very publicly, i might add) those two realised masters.

In your other point, it was not their ordinariness as human beings i was denigrating, but YOUR criticism of them because they didn't conform to YOUR notions of what they SHOULD be like. You, therefore, were the one that was was holding the assumption (albeit perhaps unconscious) that they should have been more than 'human', as you put it. Or else how could you criticise?

This is all rather obvious, surely.

gassho

david

Guess I won't be getting a Christmas card from david

January 10, 2006

Hi Ed - just came across your website.

Thank you for sharing all of that - especially the book written by Nisargadatta Maharaj.

May I check with you my understanding:

(1) I understand that awareness / consciousness is the closest that words can come to describe what we are. Many suggest that that consciousness is universal rather than personal. But that awareness / consciousness is related to a particular body / mind mechanism: - "my" awareness experiences different things from yours; awareness arises with a body / mind mechanism and disappears when that body / mind mechanism dies.

Consequently my understanding of the meaning of "univeral consciousness" is that the underlying nature of that consciousness is the same. And that consciousness is the essence of the building blocks of manifestation (atoms, electrons - ultimately energy waves - or as Nisargadatta called them, the "five elements"), and manifestation cannot be without consciousness.

(2) Nisargadatta Maharaj talks of consciousness being time-bound and so also unreal; and ultimately if one "stabilises" in pure consciousness it will eventually lead you beyond consciousness. Is it possible to expand on that - or is it just beyond words?

Thank you.

All the best,

Ven

Hi Ven,

You could say this is true. But it certainly is not the final truth.

What you are has nothing to do with consciousness.

Consciousness lights up the world, creates the world and is the world. That is, it is all the 'stuff' out there, including the body. But it is also the inner stuff, the sense of I-AM, thinking, the inner sense of feeling, taste, touch, etc.

Consciousness itself, in any of its phases, objects or form, has nothing to do with you as the Absolute, your True self. That cannot be known. It is never an object to be viewed or discovered in awareness. You can know nothing of it. No quality, no taste, no vision, no awareness, no space, no time. All these are parts of consciousness.

Awakening occurs in the moment you see that nothing that happens in consciousness has anything to do with you. To make distinctions between pure consciousness and other kinds, is a mistake. These are concepts only. All of this discussion and techniques are only concepts, wind whipping through an illusion.

Mahraj’s advice to stabilize in consciousness really means to stabilize in the sense of I, or I-ness. Personally, I think this a wonderful exercise, as is asking “Who Am I?” Both get you to the source, although they feel like different techniques. He is giving you a tool to hang your hat on.

However, the link between dwelling or focusing on consciousness or the sense of I, is very complicated as there are levels of understanding that may or may not be revealed through this practice. The way Maharaj presents it, is in a cause-effect conjunction: do this and that will happen. Things are not that simple.

As powerful as he is, Nisargadatta should be absorbed, not listened to. Get what you can from his talks. If his practice advice seems reasonable to you and not too perplexing, do it. If not, don’t. He is the guru, as was Robert to me. Drink him in, don’t think him in.

January 10, 2006

Dear Ed

I am coming back to you because I have a question. I more often have dreams
during which I am conscious meaning during the dream I can tell myself, oh
this is a dream. What has started as well is that when I take a nap the body
kind of falls into sleep but not my consciousness (mentally I am still
there, somewhere in nowhere’s-presence). Kind of difficult to explain, but
the easisest way to say it is; I am falling into sleep (the body) but can
keep holding the rope of consciousness.

Is all this another step towards no-mind land or what does it mean? As I
have nobody to talk with about this experience, sorry to bother you with
this story, hope you don’t mind. And I wish you and all your cats merry
christmas and lots of love for the new year.

Kind regards

Sven

January 10, 2006

Hi Sven,

This is a very good state. It is sometimes called lucid dreaming.

One becomes aware that the sleep state being observed, the phenomena, is not real. It is mearly mindstuff flowing out of an infinity of thought. That infinity of thought is also exactly the same as our everyday reality, or the waking dream.

Be aware that the dreamer is not touched by the dream. Be especially aware during the brief moments of transitioning from the sleeping dream to the waking dream, that neither touches "you." You, as the absolute, are not touched by either the dream world or the waking world.

However, you need to realize that lucid dreaming itself is still winin the realm of consciousness, and it is that realm you must ultimately transcend. If you get caught by state of lucid dreaming, you fail to learn its lesson.

Good luck. Stay with this state if you can.

January 12, 06

Dear Ed,

Thanks for your answer.

Can i ask, if everything is unreal, an illusion that
doesn't exist, and we have no choice in what we do,
why is it necessary to do anything in the world, or to
help others - or indeed to teach this understanding?
If we are just an appearance in consciousness, isn't
it irrelevant if we are suffering or unenlightened,
etc

Doesn't this then impy that there is "someone" to
be liberated, or helped in any other way?

Also, do you have any advice / recommendations for a
seeker on the path? I have read all I can -
Nisargadatta, Ramana, Krishnamurti, Osho, Poonjaji,
Balsekar, Robert Adams, some zen, etc etc. I think I
understand as much as I can intellectually - and I am
convinced that it is true. And I know I need to stop
reading - but it is addictive! I'm gradually circling
back to the first three in that list and trying to
focus on just one book by each. And I try to remember
that I do not exist during the day - but it is
sometimes difficult when one gets caught up in work!

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance,

Ven

Ven,

Exactly right! It is not necessary to do anything. Yet, you have no choice but to be in the seeker's pickle. Your central core illusion, as Balsekar calls it, the body-mind mechanism, will continue, even after enlightenment. However, then you will be free of its effects because the illusion will be exposed. The "you" you talk about disappears entirely. This is Moksha, blowing out of the I, enlightenment.

Keep reading Nisaragadatta. He is the clearest of all three. Krishnamurti is too much a distraction as his focus is entirely different. Focus on the single text: Prior to Consciousness by my second guru, Jean Dunn, a long time disciple of his. it took me 6 months to read it both the first time and the second. Each chapter smashed my mind. Perhaps you will have this same experience; perhaps not.

Also, read Robert's book, Silence of the Heart. It is far softer and more homey. Robert didn't have Nisargadatta's sharp edges. He was far more heart and even his Bhaktic expression was warmer and softer. He hits a different part of your beingness. It is strange that so many talking head types loved Robert because he was a Bhakti in his own way and all that the heads wanted was knowledge. Yet, in his presence, they forgot all that and just beamed in his presence.

Also, get chanting tapes form Shanti Mandir and maybe the Hari Krishna sect (ISCON). Listen to the chanting as much as you can. Don't stop reading if it grabs you. You can't go wrong reading either of them. Just add dwelling in the self as a conscious practice, try to find where the I-thought arises and listen to sacred music. Sometimes the practices will fall away be themseleves; sometimes you need a teacher in order to escape from practices. You can not know ahead of time.

In fact, the whole process of trying to become enlightened is an illusion. Yet, when it happens, the illusion exposes itself.

In my own opinion, following the "I" thought inward is not that helpful. Enlightenment is finding the I-Thought to be an illusion. Following it inward, in a way, makes the thought more real and concrete. The best is to read the sacred texts that scream the ultimate truth, listen to sacred music, and hang around great beings.

January 14, 2006

Hi Ed,

Dear Ed,

My body and personality is identified as "George", and I reside here in
Albany, New York. What can I say? I discovered this website this past
week and have thoroughly enjoyed learning about you, Robert, and my
SELF. Up til this point, it feels as though life has just been pain.
Back in about 1993, while living in Maryland I stumbled upon a book by
Krishnamurti. It ruined my existence as a human being :-) I was naive
enough to think life was going to get better and easier for me. The
opposite happened. Everything fell apart. Misery and compulsiveness took
hold.

The ego loved the new concepts it had aquired. Oh boy! Now I was
really going to be a greta man, blah blah blah.... It has been dawning
on me that I really have not understood a thing. Rather than getting
depressed, I have had some moments of genuine laughter about it. Some
fantasy was playing in the mind yesterday, it brought tears to my eyes
and then I smiled, thinking "there it is again". The ego astounds me!!
Its ability to morph itself into any conceptual framework is beyond
comrehension :-) It is really coming down to this for me, when I am
thinking, that is NOT IT. What is" it" then? Anything I think is NOT it.

Can I fully absorb this to the point where the thinking stops? Why does
thinking continue even though it seems absurd? Is the aim to stop
thinking or only see thinking return to its proper place in the larger
scheme? Is it possible to be at peace while a stream of thought is
passing before me? or, is this just a first stage in spiritual growth?
Is there a time when the thinking really stops completely?

I have been listening to some Echart Tolle lately and some of his words
have been sinking in. For example, I have discovered that I have been
trapped in my head for years. I forgot about my body. I was only
"conscious" in my head, at least partially, whatever that means.. When
he says "Be present" it has an effect on me. The simplicityof it for
some reason turned on some light bulbs. I have been struggling with
compulsive behavior for a very long time and it seems to manifest as
craving in my lower abdomen and chest, as if there is something trapped.
The behavior temporarily "satisfies" the craving, only to see it return.
It has been a vicious cycle. I have been stuck!! All of my spiritual
readings have done nothing to end it. Who wants it to end?

I struggled also with the morality of it all. I felt like I was doing something
wrong and "should" stop. But I was not stopping. I now realize that
stopping has nothing to do with morality. It has to do with my peace, or
lack thereof. I want happiness but am not bringing to myself through
this behavior. In fact the behavior is preventing me from moving on. It
started when I was a young boy and became deeply rooted. It was the only
thing that brought me relief from my agony. The behavior itself is not
important. It is the purpose it serves - numbing pain. I have been
escaping for years, unable to just look at it and feel it totally.

What is this craving? As I just let it be yesterday morning upon waking, it
transformed into a peaceful flowing "feeling" throughout my body. I
smiled. Was this an illusion? It was as if something unlocked the cage
or removed the pressure stuck in the mid section. When the pressure was
released the sense of craving was gone(except this time it happened
without acting compulsively). It then passed and the craving has again
returned, but not with as much intensity.

Anyway, I don't know if this made any sense or if I am being clear. I
fully relate to the feeling of not wanting to work and be a part in this
worldly madness. I left a career as a broadcaster 3 years ago and now
work as a chauffeur. The long drives give me plenty of time to be
reflective, although it can also get very tiring and tedious. I'm now 38
and assuming I live a "normal life span", I'm not sure what I will do on
this planet. It is just great to know that there are great souls "out
there". It gives me the strength I need to just take the step I am on.
Does the day come when the steps are gone? Are there any steps at all
except this one?

Thank you, Ed

Your friend in New York

George

January 14, 2006

George,

You remind me of me in days gone past.

All the thoughts and states you are going through I went through. You are burning with your seeking. That is good.

You need a teacher. First a Zen teacher to teach discipline and then your true teacher whomever that will be. I am sure there are good teachers in N.Y. Kapleau is no longer alive but I am sure he has good teachers there. Seung Sahn's centers are everywhere.

Go find a teacher who will guide you day by day. This can do nothing but help you.

Keep me informed. There are no answers to your questions because your questions will continue indefinitely until you are enlightened. Any answer would be stop-gap.

If you find someone as a teacher, let me know what he is like. Stay away from women teachers as they will distract you too much and you are already too distracted.

Read Prior to Consciousness by Nisargadatta until you find a teacher.

Keep me informed.

January 15, 2006

Ed,

Thank you for your kind reply and concern. This search is so strange. My first "teacher", Krishnamurti (one I never met, I only know him through readings and video), said that no guru was necessary. When I first started reading him, something in my heart said that he was not just a regular human being, there was something he was saying that hit me deeper than I had ever been hit. How did I recognize something in him that I felt I did not have? How weird! Up to that point I had gone to churches and flat out rejected everything I had heard. I could not "prove" it was wrong. I just knew in my heart. I also had been inundated with psychotherapeutic gibberish and 12 steps to nowhere.

Now comes along this other man that I admire, Ed, and he tells me I need a teacher :-) He may be right but somehow I'm not sure I "need" a teacher. To be honest, it has been something I have hoped for at times but all of the teachers I have admired most are dead – Krishnamurti (even if I asked him to be my guru he would have flat out refused), Ramana, and even Robert. Frankly, I think you would be a great teacher but I'm here on the east coast so it is not very practical. I'm going to fish around based on your guidance. It will only work if I trust a person in my heart. If not, I will not stay with him. It certainly can not hurt to find some good people to be around. Good advice by the way on staying clear of woman teachers :-) I was one step ahead of you on that one :-)

This evening, I purchased the Heart of Awareness. I will order prior to Consciousness.

From what I have read of Krishnamurti and Ramana's lives, it appears as if they lived what they taught. Of course, I never met them personally so I could never feel that presence directly. I'm sure they had some quirks. One thing bugged me about Nisargadatta. His abruptness seems a bit odd but there seems to be some serious inconsistency. In a certain conversation he told a student to give up his addictions. What about his addiction to nicotine? If he has transcended the desires of the body, then why the habit? I believe his answer went something like this. I am paraphrasing. "The addictions are of the body. They are not mine". Is this not a duality. A "Free Self" and an addicted body mind!

I guess it just bugs me that he remained a chain smoker. I know Robert said that an enlightened person would not hold onto a drug habit. That feels right to me in my heart, just as my own habit feels wrong in my heart - not wrong morally, but wrong in the sense that it is slowing my progress. Perhaps the habit itself is not the primary issue but the entire ego complex that it is part of. The desire for the habit to go away is yet another desire. As long as I keep thinking about - for it or against it - the complex stays in place. Perhaps a good teacher can point me in the right direction as to meeting this challenge without escaping from it. For all I know, it will never arise again. In fact today was very peaceful. I was alone all day and felt very happy to just be as I am. There was very little wanting or needing of anything. One of the secrets is to not think about it when it is not there. This is one thing I was struggling with, always worrying when it was going to come bite me again. This seems to be diminishing as the error in that thought is being burned away by just being present, in the moment. I AM!!! That is it.

Thank you again, Ed, I will start looking around and will let you know if anything happens - even though, in reality nothing happens, right? :-)

George

George,

Yes, nothing happens. I suggested a teacher because your thought structure and questioning is not focused.

Don't worry about Nisargadatta's addictions or what Robert said. You are not enlightened yet, so don't worry about a post-enlightenment understanding. Take step one before worrying about two or three.

You have to realize that generally a teacher's broad statements are to the middle denominator in the audience. Sometimes he answers questions from a far more advanced student. The teacher is providing an appropriate answer for the level of questioner and will vary, just as Newtonian physics and Einsteinian vary.

A teacher will focus it as you will concentrate on his teaching being true or false, not X, Y, and Z and how they are the same or different. Ask many questions, see if the answers gel for you. Nothing any teacher tells you is the truth--only concepts.

Time after time students would come to Satsang and asked questions about what Ramana meant about X,Y,Z, and how that different from Rajneesh, or some such. Back then Nisargadatta was not popular. He would best try to answer the question, but often the questioner was persistent. He had a sticking point, an intellectual doubt and Robert would gradually teach that the question’s strength is only mind stuff and you have to go deeper than mind.

It will be extremely rare for you to find a good teacher from the get go. Go until you find one you trust, at least a little. Tell me about him. I will tell you whether he is true or a phony and by that, I mean not advanced.

Ed,

Which is first, the chicken or the egg?
Here is a blip from Ramana:

"Self can be without ego, but the ego can not be without the self. Egos
are like bubbles in the ocean. Impurities and worldly attachments affect
only the ego; the Self remains pure and unaffected. When the individual
goes, the desires also go."

I assume this means ALL DESIRES - even the desire to be enlightened or
achieve happiness, or whatever. As the ego grabs onto the above concept,
it says "ok, now I must go so that I can be the Self, balh blah blah".
This is still ego, nothing has happened at all. It is more ego spouting.
or it says "I must let ago of all my desires so I can get
enlightened....". More ego, or "I must not think about letting go of my
desires because then I am just desiring the end of desire....." More
ego!! Or, "I must go to a Zen monastery to discipline myself to let go
of desire....................then I can gain happiness and
enlightenment, after years of brutality...." False!! Ego!! It is another
direction of the same entity. These are all thoughts, nothing more.

Who or what sees all of this taking place?

Does the individual go first, then the desires? Or is it simultaneous?
Obviously, it is simultaneous. Then why make any effort at all to stop
desire? Does it take effort to be the watcher? What makes the effort?
The ego right? Then if this is observed, who is observing the effort of
the ego? The effort is the ego.

Is this a joke? I've been at this for years and this is where I am -
nowhere!! :-) Why would I have to get a teacher or go to a monastery?
For what? Am I not the self here and will become the self in some Zen
combat? if I walk through sub zero temperatures barefoot, will I gain
what I am?

Upon reading your experiences, I was clearly not going to follow that
path. Maybe this was a tactic you applied to "test" my alertness, I
don't know, or maybe you really see me as a beginner who needs help, I
don't know. What can I know other than my presence and existence? This
guy named Ed has appeared in my consciousness. Am I just playing with
words here or have I comprehended something deeply? Who is asking this
question?

Who is it that lacks discipline? What is discipline? Is discipline
living in a pattern? Is it following authority? Is it brutalizing the
body with postures?

Even these profound meditations you had as a Zen monk vanished. Did they
build strength? Who went from weakness to strength? The mind?

Is this all a game I play? This seems absurd. Can anything the mind says
be trusted? Even when it poses itself as a wise man trying to help me? It
is weird how I actually get sucked back into identification with my
problems. Who's problems? Who is identified with what?

For a while last night I was very worried. I was going to have to take a
long and difficult path through teachers and zen monks to reach my goal.
Why did I ask for any advice? is that not already an admission that I am
a little pea in a pod?

Yes, the body and mind have problems, attachments. Sometimes there is
severe identification, then suddenly clarity will come in the midst of
madness.

If a teacher appears then so be it. Effort to make it happen just
doesn't feel right to me this morning. It feels like another distraction
on top of the one's I already have.

Maybe we will have a back and forth about this. I will certainly listen
to anything you say. I'm not being belligerent, really. It is strange
how I walked into a situation and now I am wondering what I was looking
for in the first place.

You know this is no personal attack. I really enjoy reading your
material and have no clue whether you are "enlightened" or not. That
does not matter in the final analysis. It will keep falling back on me
to live as I see fit. If our conversations are part of that, then so be
it. if this fades away, then so be it.

Thank you for your patience, Ed.

George

January 17, 2006

George,

I do not assume you are a beginner, but it is quite obvious the torrent of question means you have no focus. Everything is doubted. This is good, but…

In philosophy there is the hypothetic mule (called the "Logical Ass) who thinks about everything--all sides so to speak--and then does nothing, because thinking of all alternatives leaves no room for action.

As Seung Sahn would say, you think too much. You need no-thinking mind. Do you believe that? You must get before thought in your everyday consciousness.

How to do this?

Two ways: sink deeply within, such as following the I-thought to the source, or finding a teacher to butt heads against.

No matter; you must see that where you are is no good. You have to make an action. You are stuck.

When I say in my Zen section at some point you must get serious about what all this searching, God, the Absolute, etc., mean, I mean to be serious, you must be able to follow one question deeply, not 100 questions shallowly.

You have so much thinking and questioning that you get distracted before you can go deep.

Settle down. Relax, go within, or find a teacher you can argue with. I always did, no problem. But I only got somewhere after I stopped arguing with Robert after spending 4 years together. Before that, I had 25 years of questioning teachers and getting nowhere.

I am not asking you to repeat my mistakes. Maybe you should do to a Zen center in Fiji instead of a frigid mountain. But in Krishnamurti you found support for your endless doubt. What worked for him is poisoning you. Each person is different. There are no perfect 38 regular teachings or practices.

How to break through that doubt and become completely confident? This is a different question than you are asking. You are asking outside questions when you need to ask inside questions.

Do as you will, but making an effort to break out is as good as making an effort to go within. But now you are stuck.

Flip a coin: seek without or seek within, but move.

January 18, 2006

Ed,

I do not know what came over me. The torent was like a child having a
temper tantrum. I feel embarrassed.

Anyway, when I was not able to hear sanity from within, I was able to
hear it from without.

George

Don't feel embarrased. It is quite good you could catch yourself.

Very good.

There are many pseudo-teachers who would give the interpretation that the ego is trying to preserve itself. But this theory adds no knowledge. It means nothing. Ego, mind, practice, are all concepts.

Just know you caught the distraction.

January 21, 2006

Dear Edward,

I want to thank you for your website. It makes me

feel I am on the right track. But this track seems so

long and I am so exhausted...

(English is not my mother tongue, but I hope you can

understand me.)

My name is Mathias and I am 25 years old now. Maybe

this seems too young to feel exhausted from searching,

but this “searching for the truth” never was only a

hobby - it is my life. I was 11 years old when I

“accidentally” opened a book about philosophy.

Wondering why there is something instead of nothing

and asking questions about life and death began even

earlier.

At this young age reading and asking

questions about such things was mostly fun, but later

it became more and more serious. With the age of 14

years, I read my first book about Buddhism. I was

deeply impressed. I wanted to know more about that,

because deep inside me I felt that this is my way. Now

I own hundreds of books, booklets and articles about

Buddhism and advaita-Vedanta.

Most of the time (for years) I was reading and thinking about these things only to answer my questions at an intellectual level.

But then (maybe very late) I noticed that such an

intellectual understanding is not enough and that I

won’t come to an end with trying to understand at an

intellectual level. It gives no peace to me and there

are always doubts because this understanding has no

base in my own experience. It’s only words to me -

very interesting words, but only words. I wanted to

know the truth behind the words, so I tried to

meditate, at first breath watching and then “body

sweeping” (vipassana meditation).

Maybe I was too impatient, but shortly after I begun I had the feeling

that these methods are wrong for me and that I was

looking in the wrong direction. Later I asked myself

“Who am I?”, but I did it the wrong way I think,

because it was too formal and the “answer” came in form

of intellectual knowledge like “There is no I anyway,

so this question is missing the point” or the answer

came in form of doubts like “I don’t know if there is

really an I, so I can’t answer this question”.

Because of that I don’t use “special techniques” any longer. I

try to simply observe myself. With “myself” I mean the

person “Mathias” - the only “I” I know. I discovered

what Douglas E. Harding calls “headlessness” and that

I’m playing “the face game” all the time. I cannot see

my own eyes. If I move the arrow of attention 180

degrees around, so that I look inward instead of

outward, then there is nothing to see there. No eyes,

no face, no head. Absolutely nothing. There is only a

“void” so to speak that “contains” all the perceived

things. Although there is nothing to see if I move the

attention inward, it SEEMS that there is someone in

there. It’s “Mathias”.

It was not easy to detect, because it’s nearly transparent. But it’s there all the time. It is an image of “myself”, of my body,

especially of my head and my face. I can’t SEE my

face, but this image of my face is there. When I

speak, laugh etc. then at the same time there is this

image “speaking” and “laughing”. Because of this

nearly transparent self-image it seems that there is

someone in there who is observing and doing all these

things. I don’t know how to describe it better.

Sometimes when I wake up from deep (dreamless) sleep

this self-image is not there or it is there but seems

not to be me but only an image. No one is there at

this time.

Then a strong fear arises or even panic and

“Mathias” is back again. Even if I’m awake it seems

that sometimes (for a split second) this self-image is

seen through or want to vanish. It scares me to death

everytime. But I cannot stop looking inward. I want to

know for myself.

I never had a normal life and I never really wanted to

lead such a life. I was always full of fear and most

of the time I feel bad. I was in therapy for years

because of an “anxiety-disorder” and “depressions” but

to me it was clear that my problem could not be solved

this way.

Maybe my mind is ill, but I do not care any

longer. That is the way it is. I do not feel strong

enough to fight against outer circumstances and

against my “personality”. I was doing this for years

and it was useless and exhaustive. I do not like it to

be anxious and depressed but these feelings are

stronger than my attempts to get rid of them and I

feel better when I don’t “touch” (fight) them all the

time. I know them. That is enough for me at the moment.

I feel a connection between “being anxious/depressed”

and “not being enlightened”. This is the “persons

life”. Maybe there is a life WITH the (anxious and

depressed) person “Mathias” (self-image) after

“enlightenment”, but I do not want this life “AS” this

person going on any longer.

I am sorry for writing you so much text. But this is

what I wanted to say. I want to share my experiences

with someone who is awake. Maybe you can say me what

do you think or feel about it. Do you have an advice

for me?

I thank you very much for reading this letter. I would

be happy, if you find the time to answer me.

Mathias

Mathias,

I am shocked. Your story is almost identical to mine. I read "In the Woods of God Realization" at age 11, and my first Buddhism book, Tibetan Book of the Great Liberation at age 13 or 14.

Your practice is perfect. Perfect!

Depression and anxiety are of the mind, it can continue long after enlightenment, just as with any physical illness. But you are not the mind and you will realize it. Depression does not touch you, just as cancer will not touch you.

Much of the anxiety you fear is regarding your sense that you will realize no one is there. There is no one in control to protect the personal "you."

Does staring into the Void fill you with awe?

Read Nisargadatta's Prior to Consciousness by Jean Dunn. Just that one for a while. It is his deepest book.

If you don't get much from that, read my own teacher's "Silence of the Heart" which is more Bhakta oriented and far more personal.

Listen to sacred music, it will fill the Void with bliss making the automatic movement less taxing and more joyful

Most chanting tapes are crap: too Indian.

Get some from Shanti Mandir, the Hari Krishna's or Self realization Fellowship.

I do not know your life circumstances. If you are not already leading the life of a wandering monk or Sadhu, think about doing so.

You are very advanced and will have a great enlightenment. It may be a week away or ten years. I was in your state for at least ten years before realization. I know one other person who searched and did little else for 30 years before attaining at age 45. He retired from being a teacher after only one year of trying to teach. He reached his goal and went back to being a plasterer.

If it is in you, you may become a great teacher some day. I hope so. Go straight ahead exactly as you are doing. In fact, you have no choice.

If you have not done so, take anti depressant medication. It will take the edge off your physical and spiritual depression.

I will help as much as I can. But do the music.

Where do you live? What do you do?

Love,