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August 16, 2005
Hello Edward,
I have been reading your web page, "It Is Not Real", with an intense fascination now for several days. What I am drawn to are your recollections of Robert Adams. I have read his book, "Silence of the Heart" several times, and the past few months, I have been carrying this book up to bed, then back down the stairs in the morning, then I open it and read it throughout my day. I carry it around like it's my teddy bear, or security blanket. It has certainly been like an anchor to my sanity, or peace, or whatever fleeting moments I can grasp in the midst of this intense activity I have embarked upon.
At the age of 45, I thought this body could pull off this big activity again, but actually, it's the mind I am watching with a constant attention as it goes from the observation of the "I" and back to the business of attending to a construction project.
I was amazed as I read your description of your moment while taking
a shower when the "I" was totally revealed to not exist whatsoever. I have been running this search for the "I" over and over again. It is to me a desperate activity that has resulted in only fleeting moments of passive relief. Edward, is this personal inquiry, this search for the "I", truly the most effective thing I can do??
If I knew this was going to create so much difficulty and suffering, I certainly never would have embarked upon such an adventure. But I know what Robert Adams would say... "To whom do these difficulties come?" Then I would answer... "They come to me." Then... "Who is this me??" "Who is this "I"? This inquiry seems to derail the intensity of the immediate thoughts, but then within seconds, my brain can slip back into the same track and then the thoughts and fears and doubts arise again. Edward, is this all I can do? This has been a very turbulent and worrisome time for me of late. I feel like the universe is really revving up and devouring me! "
I feel a bit like that moment you described when Robert was staring at you and he said... "I am cooking you." That's how I feel lately, like the universe is cooking me. The heat is on really high now and the suffering has been more intense unlike any time I have ever encountered.
Tom
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August 18, 2005
Hi Tom,
I hear deeply your turmoil. You already know the source. As Robert would say, your mind is not your friend. Other sages say mind is your enemy. I say mind is a good thing to waste.
You ask whether there is anything else you can do beside self inquiry via “Who Am I?
Mind is added onto you. Mind is thinking. It has no power if you get prior to mind, such as when you can consciously sink inward into your body. You are not your body, but sinking into your apparent body will get you away from the surface turmoil and thinking that seems like it engulfs your head.
If you can sit motionless for a few minutes, sink your mind backwards into your abdominal area. In Zen, this is called the Hara. If you can sink back into the Hara, and are making some progress, at a point you will feel like you are becoming completely stupid. Your mind will he hard and dense like a brick. All of the thinking and worry will congeal into a dense mass and no thinking will come out.
At some point, depending on your intensity and perseverance of practice, suddenly, without warning, something wonderful could happen and your mind will wash away. I can't tell you more or your mind will try figure out what I mean and try to make it happen; unfortunately, that will keep the mind in charge. You don't want that. As it is, this effort will be a mind-directed, but allows you an
enter into the experience of the inner vastness.
I will be blunt. This kind of crisis will happen over and over until you can find a way of going within. It is not an easy or short a process. There are many ways inward. This is a short cut just for you because of where you are in turmoil. When life calms down, then you can practice “Who am I or whatever” more productively. Consider sinking into the gut as a medicine for your ailment.
The "Who am I" question is another method for turning the attention inward. A highly recommended method. My feeling though is that the method I described is more effective for where you are. Who am I is fraught with the danger of intellectualism. There are other dangers associated with too much effort in self-inquiry, because effort takes you away from a relaxed state where apprehending your true nature is possible. Sinking into your belly is a far less dangerous way to go within when you first try to go within.
As Robert would say, "What is the worse that could happen?" Well, I could lose the house. "So, what is so bad about that?" I could lose all my money and have no security. "So, what is so bad about that?" I could be thrown out onto the street living out of trash cans. "So, what is so bad about that?" I could die. "So, what is so bad about that?"
Perspective.
Take good care of yourself and all living things,
Ed
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August 18, 2005
Hello Edward.
I want to thank you for your contributions and
suggestions regarding my well-being. A most potent thing you said.
"Mind is added onto you. You are before mind." This is so entirely true, and becoming more and more obvious, that for today, I will remember that and this will allow my thoughts to quiet. You know Edward, all of this commotion is passing by lately with such ferocity that I am see-sawing up and down within moments of panic... and then a deeper peace than I've every imagined. Your suggestion to drop into the abdomen, just bury into myself like in a fetal position... that actually takes more effort than to simply observe the thoughts and wait for the latest wave of panic to roll out! So... I am just going to have to stick with the words of the wisest teacher I've ever encountered, Robert Adams.
On page 38 are these words... " "Because you think the
personal I exists, you have to use Self-inquiry to lead you to the
place where you realize the personal I does not exist. It never has, and it never will. Yet wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just sit down and realize all this in a flash and become free? We'll not allow ourselves to do that for some reason. We want to play the game of overcoming. Again, who has to awaken? It's all a pack of lies. How can the Self awaken? The Self never went to sleep. Do you not realize who you are now? You're not a mortal human. There are no words to express what you are. You have to find out. So you practice. After all, who does the practice? It's your body and your mind. If you can remember that there is no body or mind that exists, then there is no one to practice. So while you are practicing, remember that."
I love the way he puts it in such a no nonsense, practical way.
Somewhere else in the book he says... "Do not think of enlightenment or awakening, or being liberated, or finding a teacher who can help you. You are beyond help. No one can do anything for you." All of this is becoming more and more obvious. Finding your website at this moment in my life got me very excited, and then I fell into some kind of self-pitying delusion that maybe Edward Muzika can actually "help" me... as if there is any help out there or an ointment to rub onto me that will fix what needs to be repaired. Edward... I am happy we made contact, and I think it helps... but what in the hell needs to be helped?? I think you know what is going on here with me, and I am watching this mind flipping about like a trout out of water. So, write again if you have a moment. I'll write again and tell you what's up. I really like knowing you are nearby.
T he first lines of your website.... "If you seek God, Enlightenment, or self-knowledge, you are a rare one, both blessed and cursed by the most difficult of all seeking." Yes... I am blessed and cursed. You know what's happening here and sometimes I just want to scream and throw a fit. It's like the mind is launching an all out attack now, because I am finally observing its every move and watching it with dispassion. It's like breaking up with a girlfriend. You know the relationship can't go on anymore. It has to come to an end but I know it's going to get really loud and ugly as she is insulted that I don't need her any more. Thanks for reading and listening, Edward.
Write me any old time if you like.
Tom
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August 20, 2005
Hi Tom,
Good to hear you are progressing. If you want to watch your mind, that is fine. But who is watching? The watcher and the mind are identical. The mind splits into two parts, the watched thoughts and the watcher. So watching the mind is still dividing the mind and you are left as mind entertaining mind.
Therefore, a dilemma. What to do?
Relaxing back into your gut is easy and gets you out of your head, thinking and splitting. No effort is involved. It is a relaxing effort, because the head energy and tension pass away.
Otherwise, keep going straight ahead.
Take care.
Ed
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August 21, 2005
Hello again Edward.
I guess I am confused. I have been diligently pursuing Self-inquiry, and this always seem to be like an activity of "watching." Being aware of thoughts arising and then, instead of reacting to the thoughts, simply asking... "to whom do the thoughts arise?" But it hasn't been a permanent place to rest, either. It just seems to be a temporary way to distract the mind from the present assault of thoughts. I haven't really been able yet to "relax into my gut" because it seems like a mental activity, too.
I like the way you say that the mind can become as thick as stump. or whatever. I guess I am just about ready to let anything happen here. This is a very profound statement... "the watcher and the mind are identical." When I hear Robert, or Ramana, or Papaji say... "be silent" is this further progress in that direction? To rest the mind in the abdomen? I really want to avoid any mental or intellectual stimulation. These brains we have aren't really very smart, you know? Can you give me any instruction on how I might ease the mind towards my inside?
Thanks you for anything you can say that might help. And you may certainly use any of my letters to you if you want to create another chapter to your website. This would be a beautiful way to help others to see. I am feeling a very nice and lovely vibration right now just thinking about being instrumental in helping anybody else. But if you could write me back with a few suggestions, I would be most grateful.
Tom
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August 22, 2005
Hi Tom,
Any activity is of the mind. Any. Watching, self-inquiry, sinking.
Self inquiry points you inward. Watching assumes you take the position of inward and watch the outward workings of thought.
But the I that is watching is still a phantom, it is not real. You are taking a position in the not real.
Feeling yourself sink back into your body is also a mind effort. But it is very easily accomplished. More difficult is opening the inner eye, but that comes later.
What I am giving you now is from my own experience. Robert never had to practice to get where you want to go, although you cannot as yet know where you want to go.
But the watching you are doing assumes the position of a visual watching of the mind meaning consciousness is stuck in the head. This is like a bad cold. The head gets stuffed. The body is much bigger and can take the stuff out of the head. Moving consciousness down into the body is an exercise just for you. You have a thought-cold.
This exercise also opens the inner eye. The visual consciousness disappears after a point in this exercise.
One expedient device is to imaging a cube of butter on the top of your head, and your head heat causes it to melt and flow down your body into you abdomen. Let it collect there with your consciousness.
Robert taught self-inquiry as a generic method for everyone, but he gave specific instructions for those with specific needs. Ultimately Who Am I transcends the body or mind because consciousness is neither. But solve the thought cold first.
Sinking consciousness into the body shuts down thinking. You will become very stupid because thoughts stop. When thoughts stop, the I disappears because I is just a concept, a word. This opens you to experiences that will transform you completely.
Ed
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August 23, 2005
Hello again, Ed.
I've read your last letter several times now and
am concentrating on the effort to move this "thought cold" down into my body. That's a good description to term this malady. It has truly been like a virus lately with me. Would it be true to say that since everything is unreal, then like in a dream, I can just imagine that I've got a thought cold, and a body, and I can just imagine that I am moving this virus down into the body? All of this seems like a dream... the body, the thoughts, the panic, the peace. I don't know what to do
or how to do it, so I guess I will just imagine that this trick is something to work with and I will remember to do this through today and the days to come, ok?
It's kind of like the self-inquiry activity. I do this because I read about this in Robert's book, and I've read of this also in Ramana's teachings. So, hopefully, I pursued that activity. I'll try anything, I guess. I just want to awaken. So Ed, do I just imagine that I am transferring thoughts out of my head and down into my body? So far, it hasn't been really easy to do. It's like I've got to create a scenario that this condition exists, then I somehow imagine that I am working to move thoughts down into the body. Could you write me back and tell me if I am getting stuck on something. By the way... thank you so much for all of your efforts lately to write and offer some guidance.
Tom
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August 24, 2005
Dear Tom,
Don't make an effort out of it. That means the mind is searching for answers. Don't move the thoughts, thoughts follow where the attention is. Now your attention is in the eyes and head. Be gentle. Don't use the inner visual sense to do anything. Feel into your gut; relax into your gut. Move under the covering umbrella of disturbing thought.
If this does not work, you have two alternatives. Continue with the "Who am I" inquiry, or work to open and expand the inner eye. The latter is difficult and takes a lot of time. But we have to manage your thought cold now, because with the turmoil it is hard to make progress. Going from thinking and the inner vision of watching thoughts or looking for the I, go into inner feeling, the tactile sense to get before the thinking I.
The tactile sense is as big a trap as "looking" for the non-existent inner I because the mind is involved in making the practice effort. But both take you away from being thinking to the background consciousness of empty space in which thinking happens. As of now your do not know this inner space, visual or tactile. Get to know inner consciousness. Calm down. Sink into your body. It feels like falling backward into an abyss, but it helps.
September 4, 2005
Dear Edward,
I found your website just a few days ago, and since then I have been reading it
every moment I have. I guess I am a spiritual seeker for a long time having intense periods of seeking, and other times just sinking into life's duties again. I am married, have 4 children and am a yoga teacher. During my search, I "discovered" Advaita just a few months ago, and for some reason I am attracted to it.
I have many doubts and I am very confused and mostly I think it is time for me to find a teacher. I do all the work alone. Just reading, and practicing (not so much) - I also know
that when I will be ready the right teacher will show up.
I have also lost interest in many things in life and many people I used to talk to (we just dont share the same issues any more), and other things I used to do. All I want is to be left alone, have time to read and be quiet. All this make me feel lonely. I am not depressed , I know that - I do all the things I have to do with my family and as a teacher. But I am a little lost, my mind is thinking too much, but at least I am aware of it.
I think that until I will find a teacher, I should stick to one practice for a while. So I read what you said about opening the third eye and I think this would be a good place to start now. Can you please tell me how to do it? For how long? whatever you think would be helpful.
And yes, I know I am asking stupid questions, but I cant help it.
Thank you for the site and for your honesty. My English is ok I think, thanks to Israeli school system. But if there is something you didn't understand, let me know.
Thank you again,
Michal
September 4, 2005
Hello Michal,
I am very happy to hear from you. You have done the great work of bringing life into the world and nurturing it. It sounds like you know it is time for you to begin your final work.
Being quiet and by yourself is very good; the more time you can do this, the better.
Yes, the old will fall away. You feel alone because you have changed. You are used to the comfort of being around people with chattering. The chattering no longer comforts you. You understand that.
Mind is like the wind-blown waves atop the sea. Your energy and concentration is in those waves. You know that. So, how to get deeper where the waves do not move? As Robert would say, your only freedom is to turn within. But what does that mean?
As a yoga teacher, you may already have inner vision; your eye may have already opened. If so, we will move beyond that.
Can you turn your vision inward? Does this mean anything to you?
If you close your eyes and imagine your outward looking now turning around, does it feel as if you are looking inward? This sounds so very simple.
You see, so long as I can remember, my entire universe is pervaded by light, a transparent light that penetrates and surrounds all phenomena, including my imaginary body, imaginary mind and imaginary space. I only vaguely remember what it was like not to have that.
So I have to know what you see, when you turn your sense of looking outward, into looking inward. Do you see anything, or are you caught by the direction to turn within and are aware only of your mind thinking what the instruction means?
Be as precise and accurate as you can be. Is there confusion about how to turn inward? Is there only impenetrable darkness? Do you see light? Where is the light? What is its color? Or, can you see already see everything? Is your inner space as open and lighted as your outer space?
You have to be careful so as not to waste time. Opening the inner eye is a preparatory exercise only, not at all part of the traditional way Advaita is taught. Opening the eye is just one way of getting to know your own consciousness. Self-inquiry, Atma Vicharya, asking “Who Am I?” is another. They just work at different levels.
Ultimately, there is no inner space, nor outer space. There is no difference between them. You might say they are both imaginary. But, you don’t know that yet except as an idea.
Being a yoga teacher and having the idea of an inner eye and inner vision means something to you. It may be your specific way of surfing in consciousness. It may not be. You need a way that is natural for you.
Let us explore this together.
Take care of everyone, including yourself,
Do you mind whether I use your letter or not on my website? You ask a wonderful question and I think you are ready for a journey. Other people may see your question and you theirs. Then we are all together on the same journey.
Ed
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September Letters
September 8, 2005
Hello Edward:
I keep returning to your website like a moth to the candle-light. And I keep ordering and reading/hearing Robert's discourses. I keep at letting go the "I-thought" all through the day. Lester Levenson's Sedona Method which you must have heard of is of tremendous help to me at emptying out the shenanigans of that curious engram.
Thanks for the suggestion of reading the Ashtavakra Gita, I do that too.
Just wanted to send my gratitude once again to you and then onto Robert.
Warmest Regards,
Dino
September 9, 2005
Dear Dino
Do you mean you release on the Who Am I question? That is, you were caught on it?
If so, that is interesting. If so, what are the results?
Edward
Septmber 9,
2005
Hi Edward:
Thanks for your question.
Lester Levenson was a contemporary of Robert Adams and some
tell me that Robert and Lester had their school/ashram about the same time in Sedona. Were you there too?
Lester Levenson says that the "I" Thought of Ramana and Robert, Is basically the three fundamental desires of "wanting approval","wanting control" and "wanting security". Indeed, all thoughts of the I-thought, upon inquiry, would be a result of the above three wants.
These wants in turn are caused by feelings and a physical clutching in the chest or stomach area and Lester's "Release Technique" is a getting in touch with the "want" and then letting go of the "clutch".
I think you have spoken of a similar technique to one of the questioners on your website.
I have found that it is a powerful and rather speediest method to quiet the mind and with the clarity it gives I find my self functioning in the world with terrific abundance and ease. It is a meditation with your eyes open in real time.
Robert of-course provides more understanding about the "I" thought and Consciousness. Lester too was a Ramana disciple and his philosophy dovetails perfectly with Robert's. I find each complementing the other in helping me on.
I am a physician in active practice with a wife and 3 children.
Thanks as always. I'll stay in touch and pick your brain again and again.
Warmest regards,
DINO
September 10, 2005
Hi Dino,
Robert and I came to Sedona after Lester died. It was Lester's students who sponsored us coming out. I never moved to Sedona and I explain why in the section dancing with God.
I was much impressed with the Sedona Method. I took a seminar with Pam when she was coming to Satsang to see Robert a few times.
Robert was not much impressed with the technique although I do not see how they would conflict. They would, of course operate on different levels.
Lester's on a more physical level and Robert's aimed also at the destruction of I by seeing it as a conceptual construct.
Lester's technique would be more consistent in terms of unraveling tension with a Samadhi state. I am going to have to think about it.
When you have time, tell me more about yourself.
Thanks,
Ed
September 11, 2005
Dear Edward,
Thank you for your prompt response.
There is not much to say about myself:
I was born into a Hindu Brahmin family in Zanzibar, E. Africa. Came here to go to college and have stayed on since. My interest in things spiritual perhaps goes back a couple of life times. I have searched hard and long-since early childhood: power of positive thinking, psycho-cybernetics, est, NLP, scientology, Bhagwan Rajneesh and finally now, Lester and Robert. I think that Lester's technique provides a physical, experiential way of stilling the mind and I have achieved much headway by using it. Robert on the other hand gives the sharp, intellectual understanding of the experience of advaita.
After receiving your last e-mail, I re-read your accounting of using Lester's technique and how it helped you experience a Satori of sorts. You are a lucky man-your labours have been rewarded !!!
What you experienced later was built on this? Can you now sustain the Peak Experience you speak of ongoingly?
Could you suggest anything else I could look at?
Thanks, Edward, for your kindness about my case.
I am grateful.
Warmest regards,
DINO (DINESH)
September 12, 2005
Hi Dinesh,
Your past sounds a lot like mine except I became a psychologist. At least a real doctor can help people.
I thought Lester's release method genius. I liked it and used it. However, the using can be endless. I cannot see the releasing coming to an end. Maybe it can; it appeared to work for Lester. That is, situations that arise are endless; therefore, if you do not find the core problem, the releasing can go on forever following each situation. That is, how do you get from the periphery to the core?
I was around the Sedona people for some time, even those quite close to Lester. On the whole, they were not very nice people. I do not want to go into it more. So, I judge the method by the results.
Remember, Lester's concept of what the I is, security, etc., is just a concept. Unless releasing can release one from releasing, the method and person practicing it are still time and mind-bound.
My way was Zen and Advaita. Thousands and thousands of hours of meditation and hanging around Zen masters, gurus and Robert.
My overriding practice for 20 years was Who Am I, even as a Zen monk.
I do not suggest that as a first practice because there are so many things that can go wrong.
It is only after I stopped practicing anything that anything happened. When all was forgotten and I was no longer actively seeking I.
The acute rush caused by the two awakenings lasted about a year. It is not accurate to ask whether the peak experience can be maintained because each moment is new and no experience is more than momentary. It is more accurate
to ask how long did it take before the apparent I could reenter the world? About three or four years. Yet, it is only during the past six months that I have felt I could come out and actually help anyone.
It is just different now. When active, I am just like everyone else. When still, the apparent world I know disappears leaving just infinite space, infinite light and in that matrix, the sensations that create knowledge of the body/mind. The body/mind's existence is only knowledge, concepts. There is no "real" existence.
However, even this is still a disturbance. Even the highest samadhi or highest knowledge is added onto me. The whole world, sleep, deep sleep, waking, pain, pleasure, etc. are added onto and do not touch me.
This is the secret of Robert's greatness, and which he gave me. Most people stop when they attain the unitary mind, the no-boundry mind. They think that is enlightenment and that is the end. It is not. There is one more step to see that even the unitive mind is not I.
If I were to do it over, I would not have wasted my time trying to find out I did not exist, but I would have found myself a saint, such as Rama Krishna and devoted myself to loving and helping all people, animals, sentient beings. This is what has been happening to me for the last eight years. I made the choice 40 years ago to follow the way of sages instead of saints, now I go the other way.
Take good care Dinesh. Your profession alone is extremely important. If you can act each moment helping people, animals, all sentient beings, that itself brings the highest close.
Thanks for the questions. It is questions such as yours that help me articulate my experiences in a way that I think I can help others. Feel free to ask more.
Ed
September 12, 2005
Dear Edward:
Whew !! Your note was so insightful. Thank you for pointing out that the root problem with the Sedona Method is the Releaser and that releasing endlessly as I have been doing for the last three years just reifies the " 'I' thought " with each cycle of letting go of the lack of approval/control/security.
Yes, Edward, I see that for the Releaser (who is now bound to releasing), the trap is sprung - as it is for the follower of any other dogma .
You have pulled away another rug from under me. As Robert says, there are no accidents. Now all that is left for me is to just rest in that Profound Ignorance, keeping aware that my ground of being is senior to all motions, mentations and transactions of the 'I' thought. This is still an intellectual exercise but I have enjoyed some restfulness these last 24 hours--releasing had become like a job.
One more question: After losing your apparent 'I', you say it took almost three or so years for you to re-enter the world. How does one function in the mean-time ?
Did the enlightment state still allow you to hold down a job, pay bills and such? Lester says it took him almost 20 years before he could re-enter the world and that he had to watch a lot of TV to get his first tear that enabled him to come back.
Thanks. Don't let me become a pest. Robert had once said too many questions about the Silence State bummed him out. I hope mine don't do that to you.
Warmest regards.
DINESH
September 13, 2005
Hi Dinesh,
I've been off in the fake world for a while. Sorry to take so long to get back to you. Do not worry about pestering me. This is my life's work: helping people find themselves.
Yes, you understand the core is the releaser. But there is no releaser. Once the releaser goes, he is discovered to have no existence. He is and was a phantom, a creation of thought. There is no releaser; there is no releasing. When this is known, all effort disappears, except to get up in the morning. Of course, so does the mind, body, etc. disappear too.
Concerning "coming back," each person is different. Ramana took many years because it happened unexpected to a little boy who had no clue. People like me who had been in void meditation or prancing around in the inner world of self-illuminated emptiness for years, when the awakening occurs, we have been circling the cup, so-to-speak, for years. So coming back was not so different from the process of going away in the first place. After I met Robert in 1988, everything began to fall apart. Part of it was the spiritual touch of a master who was trying to take all comfort, security, understanding and arrogance away, and part of it was that I was not paying attention to the world anymore, so it did not pay attention to me.
I was quite out of it between when it happened in 1995 and I finally was able to return to "productive" work in 1999 or 2000. That was a very dark period. In fact though, I was quite out of it between 1992 and the experiences in 1995. Then, out of nowhere, as these things do happen after the enlightenment thing bites you, I was offered a job making a fairly good living doing that I had done for years before Robert, namely forensic psychology. This I could do standing on my head. For the life of me, I could not have done something new that required attention.
Even now, it is very hard to pay attention to the apparent world. Even surfing consciousness, which I had done for so may years before awakening, has lost its sparkle.
The sole reason I am continuing involvement at all is a desire to help others understand who they are and to get free and my deep commitment to taking one small part of the world a place of caring and comfort. My comfort comes when I can help others and when I see others helping still others.
Most people do not want to get free, they want more of whatever they are looking for. I can help them with that too.
I have no choice in this. I am impelled by my past, my situation, my training, my relationship with my teacher and with consciousness.
Therefore, ask anything you want.
Ed
September 9, 2005
Hi Ed,
Sorry I could not reply earlier and thank you for your reply.
When I close my eyes I see nothing most of the time. Sometimes I see a small white light, and then it is gone. I know I should not look for something, and not try to hold on to it, but many times I try to do this anyway. Sometimes I see unfamiliar faces for short moments. But almost all the time I feel vibrations.
Actually, when I first started sitting I had a very strong and frightening experience. I felt like I was going to disappear, a strong vibration was moving down through me or moving me down, and I remember trying to stop it, and I did. I think that today I would not do this, I even don’t know what was it, but than I was afraid. So now I can feel vibration everywhere, not so strong and not moving down. Just a movement of energy. When I try to be in the third eye, I feel a vibration there, sometime I feel pain.
At the beginning I would stop, and the pain would go away immediately, then I tried to stay with the pain, same thing it will go.
About the thinking process, sadly I must say that I am thinking almost all the time, I have a strong and stubborn mind. But many times, when I have no intention to stop the thought (I know that I cant stop them), things are just happening through me. Many things that I say, or simply
know are not coming from me. I know it.
So, my practice is not strong, sometimes I practice, sometimes I do not, and usually not for long periods. (I will attend a 4 days meditation in October with a Tibetan monk who will visit Israel). I also tried a few months ago after reading Ramana Maharshi to concentrate on who I am, but I was just hearing my self saying it. I think that you are right about me wasting time.
What do you think is the right practice for me now - at least for a while, because I feel that I am jumping too much from one practice to another, and the constant reading that gives me real inspiration is also a place to run away too, hiding from the real work.
Thank you so much
Michal
September 11, 2005
Dear Michal,
The vibration you feel is Kundalini. Usually you can feel it moving up and then moving down. Sometimes it moves up through the spine and then down through your forehead and face. Sometimes it moves up one side of the spine and down the other. Sometimes you might feel blockages somewher ein the spine.
Following the Kundalini is one way to get inside yourself under thinking. But it is an intermediate practice from the Advaita point of view, which would be O.K. by itself, but you might not know when to stop and move on. It is easy to get distracted by Kundalini type experiences as they are quite dramatic, absorbing,and make you feel as if your are advancing and that your practices are bearing fruit, but ultimately make you miss enlgihtenment.
On the other hand, some teachings make Kundalini everything and never advance beyond ecstatic experiences, lights, strange powers, controlling the body, etc. and knowing and loving consciousness, such as those of Self-Realization Fellowship.
Opening the third eye is a little more advanced and can take a long time, but less can go wrong than chasing the Kundalini. In fact though opening the third eye will focus the Kundalini towards the goal of expanding the inner light. When you feel any energy movement up the spine, when it reaches your head, focus its energy on the spot of light you see. That will help it expand.
Read my section under Practices and the first chapter of Dancing With God.
You might want to look at the section on microanalysis also, as it is good to teach your students as a guided meditation to open their inner world and get them acquainted with the concept that neither body or the sense of I exist.
To determine what practice is right for you, you have to know what is it you want. What are you looking for?
If you are looking for something that helps you to the final goal of enlightenment--liberation--most quickly, you should practice either asking “Who Am I? or doing sitting meditation doing nothing. The latter is difficult to learn correctly. You just sit and watch everything until even the effort to watch disappears. This is called “Shikantaza,” and is the essential practice of Soto Zen.
Asking “Who Am I?,” is similar to a Rinzai Zen Koan, a question with no verbal answer. It is easier than just sitting doing nothing because there is something to focus on. With Shikantaza there is nothing to focus on and you become acutely aware of the chaotic mind and wan to stop. This practice is best practiced in a monastery of an urban center where you can have uninterrupted practice for days at a time.
The "Who Am I?" question is a universal practice. Japanese, Chinese, Koreans, Hindus, Buddhists use it and have for three thousand years. The story of such a practice is found in Kapleau's Three Pillars of Zen, the chapter on Basui.
On the other hand, if you want something that can both take you to liberation and bring more peacefulness and make you a better yoga teacher, practice opening the third eye and illumine your inner world. This could take six months to a couple of years. However, it could take another ten to twenty years of sitting in the illumined Void of pure consciousness before awakening comes.
This, of course, is painting in very broad stroke and would vary a lot between people. You might find Shikantaza easy from the beginning.
So, you need to decide as to what you want, at least at this moment.
If you practice is open the third eye, read the section in the Practices and the Dancing with God sections on my site. The small white light you said you see, that is what you want to concentrate on. You need to expand it until it fills the universe. You can change your mind some day, but not before your inner world is properly illuminated.
Grasp hold of either the Who Am I question or opening the third eye.
Then go straight ahead. Do not look side to side. Do not read so much. Do not distract yourself with doubts. Do not wobble. Just spend all the time you can following the practice you chose. Read yourself instead of books.
Robert said it all. Persistence is the key to make everything happen, eithe rin the inner world or the outer world of the waking dream.
Choose. Once you choose, stick with it as if your life depended on it.
Ed
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September 22, 2005
Dear Edward,
I am so happy to hear from you. yes, this is what I have been waiting
for, and many thanks for your advice. It is very rare to find people
like you who only wants to help, nothing else.
I read the Practice section, as well as Dancing With God and I will
read them again. I will take your advice to practice opening the third
eye, and I understand I will have to be patient. So thank you very much again, I will let you know every once in a while how things are going.
It is O.k with me to put my name on my letters if you wish too.
take care,
Michal
September 29, 05 from David
Dear Edward,
Great cat photos! I wish I weren’t allergic to them. They’re such beautiful animals. We have a neighbor cat, Bagels, who comes and sits outside our back door sometimes until I come out and see her. She’s a little feisty but has a good heart. I enjoy our quiet time together.
Thanks for the information on Robert too. I think your site has the only photos of him on the Internet, and the stories you tell of his relationship with you is heartwarming.
Have you ever thought of starting a kirtan/chanting group? You could work in a bit of Robert’s teachings before and after each session. Those who were sincerely seeking peace could come could come to you later for guidance. The others could just chant. Just an idea. If you’re ever in Kansas, you’re welcome to chant with me anytime. I don’t play harmonium and don’t always sing on key, but I’ve got a few decent CD’s, and Robert could keep time for us.
Thanks for being who you are, whoever and whatever that may be. The really good news is that you are here, breathing in and out each day, and offering your love and friendship.
Blessings,
David
September 29, 05
Dear David,
Thank you very much for your supportive words. Makes me feel putting up the website was not in vain.
I would love to start a chanting group but found those with just CDs or tapes not to be self-sustaining. You need musicians and singers to keep a group going.
In the past, I had a Satsang with tape chanting. My wife is an ex-opera singer and she sings like an angel. However, it was not enough to sustain.
People came to Satsang with a curiosity about Advaita and Buddhist teachings, but could not sustain interest in them because people who want to go below the surface are rare.
Many of the curious ones had no desire to chant, and chanters had little desire for teachings. I am not a promoter. I don’t have the mentality to go out and start a Satsang or chanting group with tapes. I’d rather be by myself and have minimal involvement in the world unless there was a strong motivation to teach. Robert was forced to teach because his illness made work impossible.
For now, this website is it. If people want to come or if locals find me, it may happen.
Thanks for the thoughts once again.
Feel free to ask any questions you might have about practices, where you are emotionally or spiritually, or any questions about Robert and his teachings.
Ed
From Paul
September 29, 2005
The question: What should (?!?) I be doing with the rest of "my" life?
If there is a "size 38 regular answer" to that question, read no further and please share that answer. If you need to know more before answering, read as much as you need to (or can stand).
I lost interest in the world at a relatively young age, if I ever had any to begin with. I was always bright, but had little/no ambition to excel or get that great job. In fact, I have never had a job that I liked.
After an eight-year stint in law enforcement, I went to law school (age 34) and then worked for 15 years at a public housing agency (evicting poor people from public housing, mostly, as I used to tell folks when they asked what I did). I was laid off from that job, to my relief, two and a half years ago and have not worked since. I am now 57 years old.
About the only constant in my life has been, since I read Siddhartha at age 22, an interest in things spiritual. For the first 20 years or so this amounted to only reading occasional books (mostly zen). There was then a period of fairly “serious” involvement with vipassana. In about 1990 I discovered Advaita through Catherine Ingram at a Ram Dass retreat. Catherine moved to Portland, where I was living, shortly after that and I went to her satsangs regularly for a number of years. There were two or three retreats with Gangaji after that (along with a few Ram Dass / Krishna Das retreats – I love chanting) and most recently a few weekends and retreats with Pamela Wilson. My wife and I also made a trip to India (first time for both) last winter and went to a Ramesh retreat and spent time at Ramana Ashram. (We were also at the coast when and where the tsunami hit, but that’s another story.)
Anyway, although Pamela has actually encouraged me to start giving satsang here locally, I don’t feed remotely qualified to be doing that and have never felt that I have fully “gotten” what the Advaita teachers talk about. At best, I feel only “half baked.”
I would very much like to go be with a Ramana or Poonjaji or Robert Adams, but they’re all gone now. Is there anyone now living that is in the same class and who is “accepting students?”
Although I “handle” doing nothing much better than most, I still feel the need to do something. I know Robert has said not to worry about such things, because those people without jobs are unhappy because they don’t have jobs and those that have jobs are unhappy because they hate their jobs and what will happen will happen. But I do “worry” about what I “should” be doing.
At least one teacher, Ramesh I think, I know recommends working even if you don’t have to because it occupies the mind and leaves less for needless worry about unimportant things. (I suppose, actually, that all worry is needless and everything is unimportant.)
A random thought upon reading this description you wrote about Robert: “Usually he remained quiet, sitting in the background, taking everything in. At lunch or dinner, everyone else would talk about all kinds of things, and Robert was mostly ignored, quietly eating while everyone else entertained each other in animated conversation.” This describes me exactly, although I’m sure not for the same reasons.
So… any help / insight / direction you care to offer would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your help and for your web site.
Paul
September 29, 2005
Dear Paul,
I love your question and honesty. Give me a couple of days to weigh an appropriate answer as opposed to knee-jerk stuff. I have a lots of crappy reports and deadlines I have to meet now. In a short answer re teachers, no, I know no one that is alive that is of the same caliber as Robert or even Soen Sahn. However, I know nothing about the current generation of teachers. I stopped looking at teachers soon after I met Robert. Even before I met Robert I had more or less stopped. I had read Prior to Consciousness by Nisargadatta and felt no need thereafter.
I never knew about Robert either until he happened to me. So to speak, he appeared out of no-where. He always said the great teachers are never publicly known. Of course there is that old saying, maybe crap, maybe not, that when the student is ready, the guru will appear. Perhaps that means when you are ripe, any Tom, Dick or Harry will do.
Ed
September 29, 2005
Hi Ed,
Yes, I'm getting that sense, more and more, that if there is a "great" teacher out there now, he's (or she's) probably not well known. I guess I was kinda hoping that you knew about this teacher and would direct me there.
I was just (re)reading your piece on "Our Mission, Our Work." Sounds like you're trying to unsettle my comfort in Robert's words regarding there's nothing one can do to make things better in the world because for every "better" there is a corresponding "worse." Especially since I sit here with a certain "power" (being a lawyer and all) to try and right some wrongs. But that's a whole 'nother discussion about whether taking action causes more pain overall than it alleviates.
There is one sentence in that piece which seems important but which needs some editing: "Robert used to warn everyone not just be self-involved as part of their work to become enlightened." Could you help me out with that?
Thanks again for your help.
Paul
September 30, 2005
Paul,
I felt compelled to respond to your last email now.
I was 50 when I had my experiences. I had done nothing else but seek enlightenment from 1968. I did everything. Tens of thousands of hours meditating, studying with seven or eight Zen masters, most famous, and a few other spiritual teachers, all of them the old school, not the American wannabes.
I heard them talking, lecturing and lived with them face to face from 1968 on. I knew most of them did not have it. One can tell about these things when you are at it long enough.
After this realization, after trying for 25 years to understand the Heart Sutra, the Ashtavakra Gita, etc., I knew that I still had not attained. I understood, but had not attained. You know exactly what I mean.
All of those I met understood Advaita, but from my view, had not attained. In fact, after Balsekar and Poonja, knowing has become synonymous with attaining. However, they are as different as night and day. You know that.
So, here poor Ed had tried for umpteen years and had all kinds of amazing adventures in the outside world and the inside. But, I knew I had failed to attain.
At some point, I gave up. I recognized if I were ever going to get it, it had to come to me, I had done everything that I could and I had failed. This was maybe 1992 or so. I had already been with Robert four or five years. At first, I surrendered to Robert and that did not feel right, so I just surrendered altogether. Whatever was to come was to come. I gave up hope. I abandoned the task. So it was for two or three years.
I was fortunate because at that time I had money and could spend lots of time with Robert doing nothing. Then enlightenment came and for another five years, I still could do nothing. There was no need. The doer's doing, died. Not only did I not care anymore, but the sense of ownership disappeared. I mean I was making money again and struggling to be in the world, but inside, I didn’t care anymore about getting anywhere, becoming a teacher, etc., I just wanted to take care of my kitties and stop all the other animals being killed, and help others in ways I considered helpful, like giving money or clothes to the homeless or donating money to charities, doing feral cat TNR (trap, neuter, release), etc. Let me tell you, I got into a lot of trouble with "authorities" by maintaining feral cat colonies in a wealthy neighborhood with City Hall connections in Santa Monica.
These kinds of actions are still the focus of my attention, such as reform of the various municipal shelter systems, helping individuals in various ways, etc. This website teaching thing has just snuck up on my during the past five months.
I would suspect there is nothing you can do except see the impossibility of getting enlightenment from your own efforts. This goes against the teachings of a hundred traditions who counsel to practice hard. Seung Sahn always encouraged harder effort, but he never advised what effort or what goal except to get a clear mind. He appeared to mean that by struggling to answer his koans, that could be achieved.
You cannot do that anymore. You are too embedded in the human world and disappointed that the efforts you have made have failed you. This would almost certainly undermine your self-confidence in attaining, which is good.
As to finding the right teacher, a great teacher, looking for one is still part of the same trap of seeking and making effort.
Here is the key:
The secret is silence. If you can get infinitely quiet within yourself, a deep, deep quiet, realization will come (maybe better to say might come). Of course, that requires you have given up seeking altogether and that is almost impossible for a life-long seeker. You can try to enforce silence by watching your mind or seeking the source asking Who Am I, but at some point even these techniques you have to give up. Yet, it is still a very good idea to try, but lightly, gently, with no expectations.
On a practical level, you could do what I was doing before it happened. Work as little as possible. Spend as much time as you can alone. Do not read too much or watch TV etc., or at least allow the habits to die down. With your spare time, do whatever work that makes you feel happy or content if you can. That helps you calm done and lighten up inside yourself.
Importantly, listen to sacred music as much as possible. I highly recommend Muktananda tapes as most others that I have heard are crap and Muktananda tapes are a staple. They are hard to find. Perhaps you could find tapes by his disciples, such as Nityananda or Shankarananda. I believe Nityanada has his own tapes now, but Shankarananda not. But for me, it was the music. Maybe it is genetic and comes with the name Muzika.
You might want to keep looking inside to find the “I” using the inner visual sense. I never did stop doing that. For me, it was like breathing. All that I saw was the illumined space-like void of the mind, and I saw that always, like staring into the eyes of God..
You might gently use the Who Am I question, but very gently, quietly.
As much as possible do nothing. Doing nothing is hard for most. Maybe for a lawyer, it is even harder. (Put your own lawyer joke here.)
Then whatever happens, happens. Maybe you’ll never get it, so resign yourself as did I. About the time I resigned, I decided if I were not going to get it, at least I’d do good in the world and I turned towards compassionate action. This turn has continued and strengthened after awakening. I have become a Dudely Do-Right, do-gooder. So what? It feels right. My every action is to help others and animals. The Buddhists call this becoming a Bodhisattva, a vow to save all sentient beings.
Don't get caught up in the Logical Ass paradox, unable to do anything because all options are equal. Instead of following your head, follow your heart.
Regarding what Robert said, he meant that a large majority of those who single-handedly fight for their own enlightenment, about others and their needs. In that self-involvement, they dry up and become dust. They need to become juicy. Forget the self-oriented search and help others too. There is a wonderful sense of relief of escaping our self-centered bag. He warned us of this trap over and over and told stories of those who failed because they never made the change from self-involvement to helping others. He also told a story of one guy he met who refused to chant, figuring it was un-Advaita-like. Robert convinced him to at least try to join in together-action as Seung Sahn put it, rather than stubbornly refuse. Robert said when he gave in and chanted, he liked it, and apparently had a deep realization soon thereafter.
As St. Paul said, “Remember to take into account the concerns of the weakest of your brothers and sisters.” So be it.
I hope that helps. I know where you are. I don’t think you are far away. So give it up if you can. Actually, it is probably impossible to give it up until you have hit your own private bottom. The last step is beyond mind or effort. You, as a seeker and doer, cannot get there. So give it up.
The best you can do in terms of effort is slow down, listen to sacred music, read Nisargadatta and Robert only, but not too much. Once in a while read the Ashtavakra Gita or the Heart Sutra or read Ramana. But gently.
Good luck,
Ed
September 30, 2005
Hello Ed. I just wanted to say hello and reach out, give a tap on your shoulder. I greatly appreciate your website, your life story, your great friendship with Robert, and the attention you have spent sharing some words with me. I know that all experience is constant change, and so, I can report that my crisis of tension and bewilderment has become less so in the past few weeks. Still, there is no doubt that my awareness of my being is in a highly sensitive level and I watch ever so closely everything that is unfolding.
I am not very peaceful. The friction is ever present. But this friction is very much like a grinding wheel that has been wearing away a great many bad habits, sensory daydreams, old fantasies, and just a bunch of crap that I used to give importance and energy to.... these interests and diversions have been blasted out of my life. I do not have any energy to expend and my follies are becoming REALLY obvious now.
I can't read the news or watch it on TV. Just a headline on the internet, something like... "20 dead in car bombing"... makes me feel weak and diminished. I don't want to know any details. And more and more, all of these events feel like they are happening within me. Like every event, every experience, is as though I am creating it. It is very much like intellectual masturbation, all I am doing is playing with MYSELF!
Last night, as I slept in my bed, I had a very intense dream and "real" experience as I was focusing upon the search for the "I" and it felt as though I was coming to the big, final realization of no "I" to be found. Then, I "awoke" in my bed and pursued this search in the wee early hours of twilight until I placed my feet on the floor and began another day. This house building project sometimes scares me silly. So much to think about, so expensive, so much time it will take and so much longer to go. The "doer" is turning slowly on a spit. There is so much to "do" that maybe this is the cosmic experience that will explode the "doer" and the "I" or reveal their non-existence. I am watching. I can't help it. I don't know if watching is another trap, another delusion that creates more mental activity. I don't have the energy or the wisdom to discern what is wasteful repetition or a healthy place to abide. I don't know what to do.
I just wanted to say hello and tell you that I feel better by having a little contact with you for your wisdom and awareness. There is no one I know who I could speak to. But as I write these words, I think that there is NO ONE ANYWAY. I just want to KNOW that forever so that I live that reality. To really live it and know it and not just think that this must be the conclusion. Thinking doesn't work very well anymore.
Tom
October 1, 2005
I don’t know what to tell you Tom. You almost steadfastly refuse to try to get under thinking, sink into your body or lie on your back and do nothing. You do seem better off than a month ago. Something is working.
You seem to know that quiet is good and doing nothing is better. Follow your own advice and do as little as possible and seek the I very gently. That is, just a gentle turning within.
PS: Sell the house if it is causing such problems.
Ed
October 7, 2005
Dear Ed
I just wanted to say thank you, to you and your website. It has a big
impact on my being. (sorry my english, its not my native language).
Since several weeks I am coming back to your website and I am really
astonished. Due to the visit I have bought the book from Robert
"Silence of the heart" and when I started reading, it was kind of breath taking,
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